We are all the fictions of someone else's mind
And so Am I
I am the secret lodged in her head
The vicious tongue she fails to unleash
I am her dark side...
The one that lingers in her sleep
I say what she cannot say
And show what she cannot show
I am the raw truth of her naked soul
The scream beneath that sad smile
I am the jewel hidden in a nook
The one you won't find if you fail to look

We are all the fictions of someone else's mind
And so Am I
I am the secret lodged in her head
The vicious tongue she fails to unleash
I am her dark side...
The one that lingers in her sleep
I say what she cannot say
And show what she cannot show
I am the raw truth of her naked soul
The scream beneath that sad smile
I am the jewel hidden in a nook
The one you won't find if you fail to look

Remember that day when you killed part of me...
On that day, I ceased to owe you my life.
To you I surrender my freedom and vow to live by your rules...
But it comes with a very grave price.

I will siphon every cent your soul can provide...
As payment for that which you should have given.
But no song nor smile will escape my lips...
Because that is where the bounds of your control end.

But when that time comes when you need me the most...
Remember that day when you killed part of me...
Know that it is not ingratitude but pure hatred in full bloom from fear...
That day I will kill a part of you for that I day I will be gone and free.

Nagumpisa ang araw sa isang hindi inaasahang paggising mula sa tatay ko upang ipaayos ang sira ng ilalim ng sasakyan ko... Naayos naman ang suspension arm ng sasakyan ko... Pero napakaraming bushing pa ang kailangan palitan... tsk tsk tsk...

Humayo ako't naparoon sa Marikina upang guluhin ang paboritong kalbo... Para akong nakapag-adopt ng isang set ng mga kuya. Kapalit ng pangaalaska at pangookray, sila ang mga dakilang tagapangalaga ng aking pinakamamahal na Chicot. Nisamahan ako ni kuya Patricio (mwehehehe) sa bilihan ng gulong upang palitan na ang malapit nang sumabog na gulong... Napakalaking gastos. Naibili narin ito ng cover ng gulong... Binugahan narin ni Pat ang grills. Isabay mo sa headlights na dark... ayos!

Mga bushing nalang at isang matinding car wash, undercoating at liha... parang bago na si Chicot... hearts! P.S. Magastos pala ang pagpaggawa ng sasakyan... Umiiyak na ang bulsa ko. Malaki pa ang utang ko kina Pat at Kajo... huhuhuhu... BABAWI AKO! PRAMIS!

Matapos ang mumunting pag-ayos ng sasakyan, ako ay dumiretso kina Dave upang sunduin at MAG-TANGHALIAN... paki-note: TANGHALIAN... Napunta kami kina Kai sa Columns... pero wala sya dun... May kinuha lamang kami sa gwardiya... Napakatagal namin mag-pasya kung saan kami kakain ni Bes (pwede bang maki-bes?). Sa kalaunan, nagpasya kaming pumaroon sa Greenhills. Nakain kami sa Luk Yuen... TANGHALIAN. Ninais naming manuod ng Race to Witch Mountain sa Greenhills... Wala... Nagpasya nanaman kaming pumunta sa Shangrila... Wala parin... PERO kami ay nanuod ng Knowing. Malalim ang kahulugan ng pelikulang ito. Napakalalim. Kung may Sci-Fi, merong Phi(losophy)-fi (fo fum?). Ang buong kwento ay umiikot sa idea ng Kaguluhan (Randomness) na biglang nagkakaroon ng ibig sabihin. At isang sun flare... ewan... Kayo na ang manghusga.

Matapos ng aming palabas, dumiretso kami sa Ansons sa may San Miguel Ave. para bumili ng electric fan. Magaasawa na ata si Bespren... ay sorry... magkakaanak na ata sya pero ayaw nya ng asawa kaya pinupuno na ang bahay ng kung ano anong appliances. Matapos nun, kumain kami sa Racks. Alam mo naman si Dave, maasahan mong kung san san kami makakarating... DAVE! KELANGAN MO NANG MATUTONG MAGDRIVE HA! PARA HINDI NAMAN AKO ANG GLORIFIED DRIVER MO... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! adik...

Ayun... ngayon, nagmamando ako sa bahay, nagiimpake para sa isang mahabaang trip papuntang Quezon... YEY! Sana may nagmamasahe dun... Masakit na talaga ang likod ko...

Starring:
Pearl (Furrr)
Pat(ricio)
Rexi... Rexie... Kajo... BANTAY
Sieg... fred... BAROK
kuy2

Tingnan mo... Mas alam ko pa codenames nila... Hindi ko kaya i-spell yung real names nila... hehehe... peace...

Quotable Quote for the day: Kajo: MAHAL NAMAN!!! (kahit anong presyo sabihin mo... laging may reklamo...)

Punta muna kami sa Dau... Yes, bros... Mabalacat, Pampanga... Sshhhh... Bili ng knives. I have two more babies in my collection... Hindi ko pa nabibinyagan... Yun lang... We ended up eating sa isang karinderia... hehehe... inabot ng gutom...

Pat and Rexi decided to do the headlights so we headed home (left Manila at 10, came back at 3... trips). Ni-grinder ni Rexi... as in sobra sobrang pulido... hands down... I thought that would take the whole day... Imagine snipping a clean circle through metal... But no... less than an hour... Eto panalo: We were looking for an outlet for the grinder... May nakita kami sa kisame... Sinubukan abutin ni Rexi... unfortunately, hindi umabot... Fred to the rescue... hehehe... Btw... nawala ang wallet ni Rexi... opening line pagpasok ng car: "Kuy! Nawala Wallet ko!!!"... Kea low batt...

Si Pat naman nag-align ng headlights... Anak ng... one go lahat... walang kapa kapa... The countless times I had my car checked under the hood, lahat umangal dahil masyadong compact, etc... Si Pat sobrang kabisado everything... Mga talendadong tao talaga. Ilang tao ba na kilala mo ang makakasabi na "abugado, 'gin'gineer and foreman ang gumawa ng headlights ko." Hehehe... ako laaaang... belat... Si Pat, kahit after nung headlights ordeal... nagluluto parin... ehehehe... naka-Extra Joss... hahaha!

Kami ni Fred ang mga tagaabot ng tools at tagahawak ng ikakabit... at tagabili ng beer... hehehe... At natuwa ako sa bago kong nadiscover na bilihan ng beer... hehehe... parang sa Baggao na tindahan nila Ate Lynne: perfect inuman spot plus the easy reach freezer... Well, back then, puro sarsi lang ninanakaw ko sa ref... pero ngayon, parang sarap tumambay dun with the ice (literally) cold beer...

Wala lang... hehehe... natuwa ako sa trips ngayong araw na 'to... :))

Next stop: Wheels...

Wala lang... gusto ko lang sabihin...

Pics to follow bukas... Sleepy Kuy2 got to have her beauty rest... :))

Jem, Maui, Magic and I took a little roadtrip around Marikina. Sayang wala si Jem when we reached Maui's place. There was a huge: VESPER WAS HER! on their wall...

We gather that Vesper is currently a HIM. Previously, Vesper was her, eh...

Topak...

By the way... It's Bagn-t. You don't say it Bagnet... And definitely not BAGNAT...

Sarap mag-drive ng gabi... freedom of the road... :))

Hehehe...

A few days ago, I was seriously contemplating on taking a very long break regardless of the time I would lose. Now, I'm thinking twice... again... Hindi na natuloy ang LOA ko... malakas dumasal si Mama... hehe...

I forgot to eat lunch earlier so hindi ko alam kung namamalikmata lang ako sa exam. Aside from the fact na towards the end, hindi na legible yung sulat ko... I think I'll survive the sem...

I WANNA WANNA!!! MAHAL KO NA LAHAT NG TAO SA SCHOOOL!!!

Natuwa ako sa iPhone na Wang Shaw... Binilhan ako nina mama kanina sa Dibi... heehee... Although, ewan, super weird phone... hindi ko pa alam kung pano ireset at lagyan ng contacts (unless isaisahin ko).

Hahahaha!!! ewan... sobrang asteeg na rip off... at least hindi hinayang na kalikutin...

hmmm... Mahagilap nga si Mark Lagz para makapagexperiment ako sa iclone ko... hahaha!!!

In a desperate attempt to 'chillax' my mind, I end up having this soliloquy in my head regarding this early-on-burn-out stage I've been having.

For years, I had been patient, seldom finding any reason to be angry. More or less, the hormones are kept in check... Strength to smile is easily mustered. Back then, the Freudian Theory on repression seemed like a hoax. The truth was human capabilities are endless: patience and understanding come from a bottomless well. And that's what I sincerely believed in... that's what buys me a ticket to heaven, proverbially. Those became the propositions that made the conclusion of Magis possible. Men and Women for Others. We never stop serving because it was what we were made to do as human beings, of service to our fellow human beings. A corollary of that was we are EXPECTED NOT TO ASK FOR ANYTHING...

Also the concept of the generous Creator and the ever-wanting creation. The world was created so perfectly, or so we were taught, that God had already provided for everything that we can ever need. What more can we ask for? Thus... We are NOT EXPECTED TO ASK FOR ANYTHING.

We had been trained to give and never hurt... never ask for anything in return... an eternal servitude as a sign of love. Guilt encompasses us then when we start to ask: What about me?

So imagine the horror when the Freudian Theory of Repression started to become a reality. Subjected to the tiniest of pressures (school and success), imagine the surprise when my patience broke. It crumbled with everything that I believed in. Suddenly, I am a limited human being with certain needs... Needs I can offer to other people but I can never offer to myself... Ironically... It hurts to give... It hurts even to try to understand. Even the slightest of comments offend me. Breathing deep and releasing the anger seems to get harder and harder everytime I do it. Sometimes I need to get out and punch something. (I have dented a lot of things lately... I wonder if someone pulls a CSI on me... should I pay for all those cars?)

The question is, where do I turn to for help? It's not the physical and mental aspects I'm asking for... It's the emotional part... Someone who'd get wasted with me would be nice... Someone who'd just listen to me rant... Someone who can grant me a bit of time in the world to be selfish... just plain selfish...

Since I am clearly out of ideas on where to find someone like that, I had decided to just let the service wisdom rest for a while. That's why I am going to answer the boyfriend issue truthfully: as of now, I still don't want one. If that happens now, either I'll be using him or I won't be much use to him... sayang lang... Now's the time to be selfish (Ayan.... after 3 months... may new years resolution na ako)

I might not be able to leave even if I tried... hahahaha!!! I'm as safe as a monkey on a leash! Of course, it might not be the same for next year but that's another year... It must have been a miracle...

Mag and I had this conversation last week, I think, about 'asking'. We're of different views as with regard to prayer. On my part, I firmly believe in not asking for anything... He said that God has this treasure chest meant for each of us, if only we knew what to ask for.

I'm of the notion that everything is pre-given. All the skills and resources that every person would need had already been injected by God into the system. To ask for anything else, is a form of greed. As the song in Hunchback goes:

Guy 1: I ask for wealth
Guy 2: I ask for fame
Guy 3: I ask for glory to shine on my name
Guy 4: I ask for love I can possess
Guy 5: I ask for God and his angels to bless me...
Then Esmeralda goes: I ask for nothing, I can get by...

Last monday, I had this urge to visit the Loyola Gonzaga Chapel (the only chapel where I can really think)... Amazingly, it was almost 7 and it was still open. Despite the mosquitoes buzzing around my ear, I just sat there praying for two things: strength and that I wouldn't be locked in the chapel (stayed around the door just in case... it was dark... what?!)

Lately, the stress had been weighing down on me. My biological mechanism has gone completely haywire... I sat there in the dark and became Guy 6: I ask for an ounce more strength to finish what I started and guidance. Now, the guilt is eating at me... But it seems like I'm getting it... Is what I did correct?

:(

identify
the vicious tongue
where it leads
no one knows